How I’m Finding My Fashion Footing After a 60-Pound Weight Gain

Wait. What are Fibroids? 

If you're unfamiliar with fibroids, they are non-cancerous growths that develop in the uterus. Seventy percent of women will develop them at some point in their lives, with many of us not having any issues. However, Black women not only develop them earlier. We also have more severe outcomes, often dealing with long periods, severe period pain, anemia, infertility, and the need for multiple surgeries to get relief.

A Little More About My Journey 

I can count long periods, severe period pain, and anemia as my ongoing issues. Additionally, I am currently preparing for my third and fourth surgery in under six years. Then there's carrying an extra 60 pounds of weight and struggling to get it off, no matter my diet or exercise routine, which has been hell on my body and mental health. My anxiety about this only grows as I gear up to travel the world to showcase my film Super High: A Period Piece, which chronicles Amanda, our protagonist's journey dealing with the pain, bleeding through her clothes, and the challenges of living with fibroids inspired by my journey.  

This should be a happy time in my life. I'm using my creativity to bring awareness to a taboo and underrepresented topic. The film has already been accepted into 12 festivals, including two Oscar-qualifying festivals. It is no small feat for a first-time indie filmmaker and director. However, there are still lingering thoughts about how I'll look in photos and what negative things people will say about the images of me as I promote the film. 

"Ha, ha, Bianca got fat," plays in my head more than I'd like to admit. The self-blame of how I let myself get here runs deep. However, I often remind myself that my body was going through a lot even though no one could see it. I was so ill and anemic; I had so little blood I almost needed a blood transfusion. 

This is a byproduct of having fibroids many Black women have to opt in for during a trip to the ER because we think our abnormally heavy bleeding is normal when it is not. So, by the time our symptoms catch up to us, we're in trouble. I had no energy for months, so sleeping and lying down was all I had the energy to do. The lack of movement paired with hormonal treatments makes sense that the body reacted this way.

So how does one dress a body they're learning to love and stop ruminating?

Grace, acceptance, boob tape, shapewear, and finding clothes that you love that fit. I can't lie to you and say I'm feeling body-positive because I'm not. However, I am learning to let the size of my clothes affect me less, especially because there is no set standard for clothes size from store to store. So, if I wear an 8 in the GAP, I may wear a 12 in Zara. Seeing those numbers is distressing. Not just because they aren't my norm but because if I order anything online, there's a chance it won't fit. 

Here’s how I planned my outfits while giving myself constant pep talks. 

While planning my outfits for the film's world premiere, I had to let go of what I thought I should wear, where I felt I should be on the scale, and how I looked in the mirror. This is still a daily challenge. I also had to (and continue to) remind myself that this body has not only carried me through multiple surgeries, doctor appointments, and iron infusions. My brain is also responsible for writing this script and bringing to life a film that will shed light on fibroids' impact on Black women's health and overall wellness. 

To end up with outfits I felt pretty good in, I started with the basics I love. At the top of that list: a crisp white button-down. Gap and Express are my all-time favorites because their oversized options are excellent quality, give me the cool girl, relaxed look I enjoy—and I can count on the size always being right. I wanted to wear white on premiere day because black is the color of choice when you have fibroids because it's a safety net to hide blood stains. So, wearing white helps me feel like I’m taking some of my power back. 

Then, I decided to show off a part of my body I still love. My legs. 

But carrying extra weight around my stomach and boobs which is undoubtedly a byproduct of hormones, makes finding bottoms the ultimate struggle. After trying over five pairs of white pants that would not button, I saw a gorgeous white skirt on sale at Neiman Marcus from Cinq à Sept in size 12 that matched my measurements. I questioned whether I’d be showing too much skin. But I took a page from Rihanna’s book, or in this case, an interview by editor-in-chief Mel Ottenberg for Interview Magazine, where she tells Ottenberg: “When I’m thicker, I need to work my booty.” I chose the booty and legs. 

Next, I invested in shapewear and brought out some of my favorite designer pieces that make me feel like the ultimate baddie. 

When the white mini skirt arrived at my doorstep, I tried it on, and it zipped with a struggle. This was a huge relief, even though my FUPA was still prominent. However, I was able to smooth it some with Yitty's Nearly Naked Shapewear Mid-Thigh Bodysuit. Paired with my white Christian Louboutin Movida Jane platforms, Tiffany Elsa Peretti Bone Cuff in Black Finish, and my vintage Chanel Vanity Bag I purchased in Japan, I felt more like myself than I have in a long time.

Lastly, I took a moment to reflect. 

After peeling off my clothes after the screening, I realized I'd overthought this entire thing. No amount of overthinking is going to make me drop this weight overnight. Guess what? That’s OK. 

The weight loss may not be rapid, but walking every day makes me feel great mentally and physically. So until I’m back to my normal weight, I’m prioritizing learning to love to dress this body and making it more enjoyable. A collection of the proper undergarments (hello shapewear and boob tape), pieces that feel like me even if I have size up, and my personal style is what I have to bring to this era so that I don't let the scale or size of my clothes define this moment in time.

Preparing for the awards ceremony, I had another mind-bending moment about what I would wear that made me look slimmest—my goodness. Then, I had to let that go. Instead, I played with the items I bought and landed on sweatpants. Hear me out. Sweatpants can be chic. How? With a pump in play. In this case, a Louboutin Hot Chick, to be exact. 

So I took my Lou & Grey sweats and blazer, paired those pieces with a white sleeveless turtleneck top from Pyer Moss' Reebok Collection, cinched my waist with my Gucci belt bag, and slid on my Christian Louboutin Hot Chick's adorned with cartoon-print and called my Uber. Not only did I feel like the best version of myself, but I felt comfortable. I could move around without wondering if my skirt was riding up and if my boob tape was out of place.

The best part of the night was that the film won two awards. The first was the silver award for Best Animated Comedy, and the second was the silver award for Audience Choice. And I accepted each in this body even with all it's been through on my fibroid journey, and that's something to be proud of!