Quality Makers: Alexandra Fine of Dame

For a long time, pleasure has been considered a dirty word that makes everyone uncomfortable. Women and people with vulvas experiencing pleasure? Cover your eyes, hide your wife, hide your kids, and run for the hills. 

However, play pioneers (as we’ll refer to them) like Dame CEO + Co-Founder Alexandra Fine have been determined to break the sexual glass ceiling by providing better access to pleasure (and therefore overall wellbeing). We got to chat with Fine about her journey, why sex is a form of self-care, and how to incorporate more pleasure into our everyday lives.

TQE: Objectively, Dame is one of the OG pioneers in the sexual wellness space. How did it all begin? 

AF: It’s wild. I was 26 and I honestly didn’t think I was really pioneering anything at all. I was taking what I was learning at Columbia (positive psychology, somatic work, family therapy) and applying it to this opening society left for me. I was just following the path, I don’t know how to explain it. I was following my interest in living a full life. I tried things that didn’t completely hit the mark–like becoming a therapist–and then tweaked my goals as I learned more about myself.  I knew I wanted to start a business, I was passionate about women’s sexuality, and saw an opportunity in a category.

I don’t know how I got here. :)

TQE: Why do you think sexual wellness and pleasure have been considered so taboo? 

AF: I love this question. I think, sex leads to babies and babies are a RESPONSIBILITY, so a very lazy way of trying to control your offspring into not adding additional responsibility is through shame. Obviously religion (monotheistic ones in particular) did a real number on using shame to control actions. And then we layer on patriarchy, which shifts all the responsibility (as if the biological responsibility isn’t enough) onto vulva-havers. 

I think we somehow confused the reverence we should feel for sex with fear. Power is scary. 

TQE: More importantly, what do you think has changed in the “pleasure zeitgeist” that has added “sexual wellbeing” to the health-and-wellness category? 

AF: I think entrepreneurs/marketers are doing a better job of connecting the science of pleasure to the category, helping retailers see that vibrators are a valid, effective tool that help people live a more integrated life. 

We know through multiple studies that vibrators can improve pelvic floor health, mental health, sexual function–the list goes on. Being sexually active can also be hugely beneficial to wellbeing through preserving heart health, immunity, and more. There is such great research showing how sexual wellbeing can have these positive effects on so many facets of our health, and we are getting better at sharing that knowledge.

I’m going to bring up Audre Lorde so many times, but this idea of the expansive nature of the erotic is hers: “We tend to think of the erotic as an easy, tantalizing sexual arousal. I speak of the erotic as the deepest life force, a force which moves us toward living in a fundamental way.”

TQE: Forgive me if this is redundant, but what is the significance / importance of pleasure for someone’s mental, physical, and spiritual health / wellbeing?

AF: This is a big juicy question.

For one, there is pleasure, and then there's erotic pleasure. There is also short-term pleasure and long-term pleasure. Within erotic pleasure, it is healthy IMO to feel pleasure during and after sex. Like, healthy sex doesn’t involve a feeling of “oops” or regret. If so, that's ok, we are all learning, so let's learn from what our body is telling us. Health-pleasure doesn’t make us feel bad overall. When we are thriving, we feel good. That feeling good, that feeling of fulfillment/satisfaction/enjoyment, is pleasure.   

OMG there is so much here. I want to talk to you about Buddhism and desire and physical health. 

How about this: When we aren’t sleeping well, it tells us something about our health and can cause bad health. When we aren’t feeling pleasure at all, our bodies are likely telling us something, and that lack of pleasure can cause bad interpersonal AND personal health.  

Bringing up Audre Lorde again, “Once we know the extent to which we are capable of feeling that sense of satisfaction and completion, we can then observe which of our various life endeavors bring us closest to that fullness. The aim of each thing which we do is to make our lives and the lives of our children richer and more possible.” 

TQE: What makes Dame products different from other pleasure products on the market?

AF: We are dedicated to innovating for the category. We are always trying to make something new, something easier to use, something more affordable. We are committed to progressing society's understanding and respect for sex.

Also, there aren’t many women-owned/operated brands. 

TQE: If you could curate the ideal “Personal Pleasure Protocol” for someone, what would that look like?

AF: I would say once a month, and then maybe once a quarter, ask yourself:

1. What makes me feel most ecstatically me?
2. What makes me feel turned on?
3. Do I want more?

I’m not going to sit here and tell you to masturbate once a week. Personally, if I go 2 weeks without sexual play, it's a red flag that I’m not giving myself enough space and joy.  But sexual pleasure has taught me that the power is within me, and I need to check in with myself, I need to listen to myself, and honor my needs and wants.  It’s also taught me that it is important to push on my growing edge! 

If you get too complicit in one act, one porn, one toy, you can form habits that have negative effects on the rest of your life. CHANGE IT UP.  Use your hands some time, own a second vibrator, try using massage oil on your partner! 

TQE: Do you have any tips + tricks for those who are more prudent on the pleasure scale and still feel awkward about pursuing their own sexual health?

AF: Audre Lorde again! “The fear of our desires keeps them suspect and indiscriminately powerful, for to suppress any truth is to give it strength beyond endurance. The fear that we cannot grow beyond whatever distortions we may find within ourselves keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, externally defined, and leads us to accept many facets of our oppression as women.” 

Be free. 

TQE: What are some of your favorite Dame products and why?

AF: My top three at the moment are Pom, our Massage Candle (any scent), and our latest potion, Play Balm.

As for why…

Pom is so flexible, it moves with you, it fits in the palm of your hand—all the good things. The Massage Candles are both fun and relaxing. They can be sexy, but they are also just genuinely great candles. I have one going as I work right now! As for our newest Play Balm, I have found myself comparing it to lube and am actually reaching for it much more than lube. It is longer-lasting, its consistency means it is less messy, and it is truly multipurpose in terms of being great for sex and solo play (but also super moisturizing).

TQE: How do you plan to keep expanding the sexual wellness category? What can we look forward to from Dame in the future?

AF: We have things brewing. I am going to keep our secrets for now. But, overall, we would like Dame to be the best resource it can be for people to come to for all of their needs related to sexual health and wellness. Our community is everything to us and whatever they want (with some exceptions!), we want to give them.

I also have a podcast now called Horny for Life that just launched June 25th! We’re talking alignment, we’re talking what makes us feel good, we’re talking what makes us feel uncomfortable because there's something powerful about squeezing and pushing on our bruises that helps us live a life of more joy and pleasure. There are episodes out every two weeks and you should definitely listen, review, and share wherever you get your podcasts. 

Also, I’m going to be annoying and say sign up to our newsletter via www.dame.com, and follow us on Instagram (@dameproducts) to get all the gooey details about all of our upcoming product launches (there are fun things to come).